Dear Diary...

What if I don’t get the happy ending I deserve, the happy ending I’ve been dreaming of? What if I carry along this sense of betrayal and abandonment and not being good enough for the rest of my life? I am happy in every other aspect of my life except this. I have good friends, for the most part. I have a job that I can really see me going places with. I am living out loud one of my childhood dreams that I never thought I’d have the courage to make come true.

So why then can’t I just shake this sense of worthlessness? On paper I know that I look pretty good, but off paper…I don’t know. There have been opportunities but nothing that has really sparked my interest for very long. Am I just suppose to take what I can get because I’m not good enough to get anything more than mediocre?

The irony of the entire situation is just to painful for words.

10/25/08

I defined myself as a skeptic romantic. I hope and wish to find that person to share my life with, that person who will want to watch my dreams come true and who I can watch his dreams come true as well, someone to witness my life. But in the process I expect to be lied to, to be used and to be manipulated. 

I go into meeting a new guy with the pretense that he will say whatever he thinks necessary in order to get from me what he wants, whatever that may be. It’s not fair and not always the case but it’s the way it is.

It’s strange I don’t fully trust anyone, I always assume people will lie or be dishonest, and yes I believe there is a difference between the two, and yet I can’t help but completely honest with everyone else. I put myself out there, making myself vulnerable. 

It’s almost like I want to get hurt. Like I put myself in situations where I can play victim. I know that people are going to hurt me, I expect them to but if I can claim that I’ve done nothing but be honest then none of it can be my fault. I did everything right.

 

11/18/08

According to physicists there are dinosaurs in my living room, Elvis is alive and I can get away with murder.

I watched THE UNIVERSE on the History channel and the only thing I could conclude is that physicists have to be on the most expensive psychedelic hallucinogens.

 

11/23/08

I’m not an artist. I’m not a writer either. My spelling is horrible and my grammar is probably even worse. I don’t aspire to write the next literary masterpiece, I don’t even aspire to write a thought provoking blog. I put a part of me down on paper, sometimes in word form, and I put that piece of me out in the world hoping someone worthwhile will catch it.

I suppose I look at it as a therapy tool or maybe just a romantic ideal. It’s a risk, putting something personal out in the world. Vulnerability has developed into my number one fear. I used to be afraid of tornadoes, but once I was stuck outside in the middle of one my fear just blew away, so to speak. Ironically I wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable, I was probably in one of the most vulnerable situations anyone could be in and the least afraid I had ever been.

The circumstances of how my vulnerable situation played out didn’t yield strength and bravery, rather I became more fearful and timid than ever. But I remember what it was like to have someone catch me when I put myself out there. I know the strength that can come from having someone to trust in and someone who will trust in you when it’s hard to trust and believe in yourself. 

Intelligent Conversations

My mom read once that there are three levels of intelligent conversations. The lowest being about people (gossiping, he said she said, etc), the middle being about things (books, movies, etc) and the highest being about ideas (theories, philosophies, etc). 

I have a good friend who is GREAT at having idea conversations. I call him up with obscure questions like "what's the difference between a wish, a hope and a prayer?" or "if a circle is the opposite of a square, what's the opposite of a triangle?" Granted some of our topics last longer than others, the triangle question didn't go far. 

I have another friend that no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get the conversation past how cute the boy she's interested in is or how the girl at work irritated her. I understand that a person needs to vent every now and then but to have that be the only things there are to say is just boring.

(Now one could argue that the intelligent conversation person was a HIM and the lesser intelligent conversation person was a HER and that there is some sort of definition of the sexes there, I'm not going to make that argument. I am in fact a her and therefore disprove that IDEA.) 

In no way do I think all conversations can exist on the highest level, it's just not possible. One may think that the higher level conversations would be exhausting and yet I find to them more stimulating and awakening than the people ones. 

As a result I find myself reading different kinds of books (next on the night stand may be The Diagnosis by Alan Lightman), paying closer attention to current events (I'm still upset about Proposition 8) then I ever did before, becoming more interested in sports (basketball more so than any other), wanting to try new foods (although I've discovered it's a two person job, someone needs to eat what I don't finish), and finding new hobbies (I started knitting again, ok in that case it's more like re-finding). 

I feel myself expanding in so many directions I can barely keep up, but it's exciting. I welcome any new person who can bring something new and/or challenging into my world. I'll try to repay the favor ;)

VOTE

I read an article yesterday that stated that in some states it is more likely that you’d get struck by lightning twice than your vote being the vote that tipped the scales in one direction or the other. Now for many that would deter them from going out and voting, thinking that their vote indeed didn’t matter. But think of this, if everyone who would vote for the underdog of the state (ie McCain in IL, Obama in AZ) came out and actually voted rather than sit at home thinking their vote wasn’t significant, then perhaps at the end of the day a different story would be told.

If everyone thinks that their vote doesn’t matter and all those people stay home and don’t vote then they were right, a self proclaimed prophecy if you will, but if they all got together their seemingly insignificant voice would no longer be as seemingly insignificant. Think about it…

This is election is in no way insignificant. Regardless of the country’s economic disarray and needing someone else to try and fix it, by the end of the count tonight we will all have taken part in one of the most historic elections any of us may ever participate in. By the end of the count we will witness either the first African American president or the first Female vice president. Regardless of your opinion of either the fact that either one has been put on the ballot says a lot about the maturity of our country. (Yes I realize I’m being optimistic about the actual maturity and social growth of our teenage country, but I am an optimist, well for the most part.)

What we witness here today will be put in our children’s history books. They will ask us where we were the way we can ask our parents where they were when Kennedy was shot. For me, it’s kind of surreal to be witnessing first hand such a monumental event in our country’s history. No matter what happens tonight, no matter who wins, personally I’m finding the entire election quite interesting. Although that could come from a new found interest in world politics in general, but that goes into an entirely different topic of conversation….

I believe...

I believe in Karma. I believe the universe creates or prevents situations to teach me something or protect me from something else. Some people may think this silly, some people may think of this idea as God. Now whether or not I believe in God is not the point here, I won't tell you how you should base your belief structure so give me the same courtesy. 

As an engineer one of the theories I've based my career on is that energy cannot be created or destroyed, it just keeps going around. I believe the energy I put out into the world will find it's way back to me. Which is why I try to put out as much positive energy as I can. 

I believe if you a a positive person then positive things will find their way to you. I believe there is good in all people, but I know that even good people can sometimes act badly. I know people lie and deceive and manipulate. But I make the choice to believe in what's beyond that, to see past all the negative. It's not always easy but it's worth it. 

A blog vs all the others

Most of us have Facebook and/or MySpace, I'm guilty of it too, so why put a blog out there? Good question. I'm still not sure what it is I want to accomplish with this, but for whatever reason I feel the pull to put something more out there. More of myself, I don' t know. Time will tell what it is I do here...